FRAGMENTS FROM ELIAN! THE MUSICAL

By Ben Greenman 

Originally Composed April 2000

Originally Published on McSweeneys.net

[The ADULT ELIAN GONZÁLEZ (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) is watching children playing soccer in a field. When a ball is kicked toward him, Elian retrieves it and begins to sing.]

ADULT ELIAN:

Out of bounds

I know just how this soccer ball must feel

Kicked around

My own life to me sometimes seems unreal

Mi vida was loca

One day I awoke-a

To find my mother standing with a smile

Get dressed, she said

Get out of bed

We’re going to Miami for a while

[Flashback: A boat, at sea, is trapped in the middle of a storm. The young ELIAN (Jonathan Lipnicki, hair dyed black) is holding tight to his MOTHER (Jennifer Lopez).]

ELIAN:

Mama! Mama!

Don’t fall into the sea

For if you fall

I am so small

What will become

Of me?

MOTHER:

Don’t forget

Mi hijo

America is over there

And in America

You’ll have good food to eat

And shirts that you don’t have to share

And tennis shoes with pumps in them

That fill the soles with air!

[The boat capsizes, drowning Elian’s mother and many of the other passengers. Elian finds an inner tube and holds on for dear life. Two days later, he washes up on the shores of Miami. American relatives claim him, and he becomes the focus of an international dispute when Cuban dictator FIDEL CASTRO (Mandy Patinkin) demands his return.]

FIDEL CASTRO:

In the matter of Gonzales

Take a letter

Or should I say dictation?

It wasn’t just by accident

That I rose to lead this nation.

Don’t mess with me.

I beat Batista.

I’ll have him back here

Before Easter.

A holiday that we don’t celebrate.

I’m sure the decadent Americans

Are letting that boy stay up way too late.

[In Miami, the Cuban community, and then the entire city, erupts into divisive debate. Two elderly men, MILTON (Walter Matthau) and GEORGE (Jack Lemmon) argue the two sides of the issue.]

MILTON:

The truth is plain to see.

If he’s not here, he’s gone.

You left-wing fool!

You’d have him be

A Communistic pawn.

GEORGE:

The boy should be sent home

He has a father there

You right-wing fool!

You own a comb

But not a strand of hair!

[Back in Cuba, Elian’s FATHER (Andy Garcia) laments his son’s absence.]

FATHER:

It’s driving me bananas

To wait here in Havana

For my boy.

I’ve lost him to the land

Of New York and the Rio Grande

Hollywood and Maine and Illinois.

Though I’m somewhat outspoken

I’m no politician.

I sit on no commission.

It would take a real magician

To fix what has been broken

It would take a David Copperfield

Or even Sigfriend and/or Roy

To make sure that my wound is healed

And bring me back my boy!

[In the wake of Congressional hearings on Elian, intensifying protests, and rumors that Elian is growing accustomed to his new life in America, his two GRANDMOTHERS, Raquel Rodriguez (Olympia Dukakis) and Mariela Quintana (Lauren Bacall), come to Washington to plead for their grandson’s return.]

GRANDMOTHERS:

He’s just a little child

What on earth does he know?

The winds of change blow wild

Look! Here comes Janet Reno!

[JANET RENO (Sigourney Weaver) meets with the two grandmothers. Congress meets with the two grandmothers. Janet Reno meets with Congress. The two grandmothers meet with Elian. Then the two grandmothers, confused, meet with each other. Finally, Elian steps into the spotlight.]

ELIAN:

Wait!

Why will no one ask me what I think?

Wait!

This idiotic crisis has pushed me to the brink.

[He is joined onstage by the ADULT ELIAN, still holding the soccer ball:]

ADULT ELIAN:

What’s that?

A voice!

What is

His choice?

ELIAN:

Wait!

Please let me express my own opinion.

Wait!

When it comes to my own fate, I must have dominion.

ADULT ELIAN:

His shiny eyes!

His ruddy cheeks!

The political football speaks!

He speaks!

ELIAN:

Wait!

I demand to be heard.

Wait!

Just one lousy word.

[The curtains part to show the entire cast, including Fidel Castro, Milton, George, Janet Reno, Elian’s father, and the ghost of Elian’s mother. As they sing, the adult Elian holds the soccer ball aloft.]

ALL:

The ocean is wide,

As wide as an ocean,

As wide as this little boy’s

Innermost emotions.

So go now, boy,

And kick this ball into the goal.

And know now, boy,

That the truest freedom

Is the freedom of the soul!

That’s right: the truest freedom

Is the freedom of the soul!

[The young Elian storms off, disgusted.]

FRAGMENTS FROM ROSIE! THE MUSICAL

FRAGMENTS FROM ROSIE! THE MUSICAL
By Ben Greenman

Originally Composed January 2007

[MISS USA appears on the center of the stage in a single spotlight.]

MISS USA:

I have a story to tell

It's a sad, sad tale

A girl is crowned; that girl falls down

Here is the coffin, here is the nail.

I was just a country girl

The city had me in a whirl

I got carried away

I got carried away

A little coke, a little booze

Is that really front-page news?

I got carried away

I got carried away

Haven't you ever been bleary-eyed

At four a.m. on a waterslide

With your underwear balled up at the bottom of your purse?

(I hope that you say yes because the story gets much worse.)

[MISS USA meets with pageant owner DONALD TRUMP, who permits her to keep her title but reprimands her publicly.]

TRUMP:

They wanted execution

I granted absolution

When young woman makes an error

She seeks out the standard-bearer

So go, my child

Don’t regret that you were wild

To live is to live free

And remember The Apprentice

Coming soon on NBC

[The next day, ROSIE O'DONNELL attacks TRUMP for sitting in judgment of MISS USA.]

ROSIE:

She made mistakes?

Consider the source.

This blowhard clown

Is twice divorced.

Of course we should forgive her,

But of one thing I am sure

He's no judge of character

Mon hypocrite buildeur!

[This touches off a feud.]

TRUMP:

Hey fatty, you're fat

I'm sure about that

ROSIE:

You lost all your money

And you also look funny

TRUMP:

Hey lardo! Wide-load!

You’re gonna explode!

ROSIE:

A creature is dead

And it sits on your head

TRUMP:

You curse like a sailor

Your magazine: failure.

ROSIE:

Reality called

It said you were bald.

TRUMP:

You’re pudgy! You’re stout!

You’re gay!

ROSIE:

But I’m out!

[The conflict escalates TRUMP is working in his office. An assistant comes in the door.]

TRUMP:

This had better be important

For you to barge in here

I am drafting an epistle

About her enlarged rear

[ROSIE is working in her office. Her wife calls to her to come to breakfast.]

ROSIE:

Kelly, please, do not

Make me come over there

I'm jotting down some comments

About his repulsive hair.

[TRUMP takes to the airwaves to continue attacking ROSIE. He appears on virtually every American talk show, where he discusses the feud and manages to mention The Apprentice.]

TRUMP:

I have a show that comes out soon

But that hardly matters now.

My integrity has been impugned

By a loudmouthed, moon-faced cow.

[And even some on Telemundo.]

TRUMP:

Compredeme? Un vaca?

Es tan grande como Oaxaca!

[After ROSIE's colleagues on the View appear to back her over TRUMP, TRUMP reveals that BARBARA WALTERS has not always been such a supporter of ROSIE.]

TRUMP:

Barbara is my friend

A good friend, I should say

So it did not surprise me

When she called me up one day

It was very enlightening

When she began to speak

She insulted Rosie's bearing

Her talent, her physique

She said she's hard to work with

She said she likes to fight.

Did I mention the Apprentice,

Which premieres on Sunday night?

[BARBARA denies the account.]

BARBARA:

It isn't twue

Thewe's no twuth in it

Mw. Twump,

You wait one minute!

Wosie is my colleague

I'm so pwoud of ouw show

That's the gospel, Mw. Twump

I think that you should know

Your lies fill me with sowwow.

Watch the View tomowwow.

[TRUMP turns on BARBARA.]

TRUMP:

You are a liar

You bossy old trout

How do you sit there

Day in and day out

Next to that fatso,

That dirigible?

She always looks like

Her fat mouth is full.

[The bad blood between the three worsens. TRUMP sends a letter to ROSIE at the View. ROSIE attacks TRUMP online. BARBARA backs ROSIE up on the air. TRUMP maligns BARBARA further. As the controversy rages, all three, unbeknownst to the public, meet aboard Trump’s gold-plated hydrofoil.]

TRUMP:

Hi there, gals

Are we still pals

Assuming we’re meeting

In secure locales?

[TRUMP hugs BARBARA. BARBARA motions to ROSIE. ROSIE hugs TRUMP, though she is careful not to touch his hair.]

ALL THREE:

We are fascinating people

We know that's true because

For all our wealth and power

We are best-known for our flaws

He's a jackass, she's a boor

The third one can't speak right

But we have a nice rapport

That makes everything alright.

They say it's for the ratings

But they don't know that for sure

It's possible that we are simply

Rich and immature

The public eye can only see

As far as we permit

As far as anybody knows

Our anger is legit

But it’s copacetic, fine with us,

Everything’s okay.

At least we're not a worthless whore

Like that poor Miss USA

Like that poor…Miss…U…S…A!!!

[MISS USA returns to the stage, removes her tiara, replaces it, removes it again, replaces it again. The lights fade out while she repeats the motion.]