by Ben Greenman
Originally from McSweeneys, 2000
***
1.Things that I have thought about recently
2.Things that I haven’t thought about in a long
time
3.Things that have proud histories
4.Things that I have eaten or considered eating
5.Things that are easy to overlook
6.Things that I have given away
7.Things that cause happiness
8.Things that cause frustration
9.Things that have no smell
10. Things that are in my pocket right now
5—ACCORDION
1—ACETONE
4—ACID
2—ADAPTOR,ELECTRICAL
4—ADHESIVE TAPE
4—ADVERTISING CIRCULAR & FLIERS
5—AEROGRAMME, UNUSED
1—AEROSOL
3—ALARM CLOCK
5—ANSWERING MACHINE
4—ANTS
1—APPLE PITS
4—APRICOT PIT
2—AQUARIUM, EMPTY
7—AQUARIUM, WITH FISH
4—ARTICHOKE, RAW
5—ARTICLE FOR SALE
2—ASHTRAY
4—ASPARAGUS, RAW
1—ASTRONOMY BOOKS
2—AUTOMOBILE
4—AVOCADO PEEL & PIT
6—BABY CARRIAGE, WITH WHEEL FALLEN OFF
1—BAG OF SUGAR
2—BAKER'S SHOVEL
4—BAKING POWDER
2—BAKING TIN
1—BALL
4—BALL—COCK IN WATERTANK
1—BALLOON, DEFLATED
4—BANANA, GREEN (INEDIBLE)
1—BANDAGE
4—BARLEY, UNCOOKED
5—BAROMETER
1—BASEBALL EQUIPMENT
1—BASKETBALL
1—BATH CURTAIN
3—BATTERY
1—BATTERY CLOCK
4—BED PAN
2—BELL
4—BICARBONATE OF SODA
5—BICYCLE
1—BINOCULARS
7—BIRDCAGE, WITH BIRD
2—BIRDCAGE, EMPTY
5—BIRTH CERIFICATE
4—BLACK—EYED PEA, RAW
3—BLACKBOARD
1—BLEACH
5—BLOOD PRESSURE TESTER
5—BLUEPRINTS
2—BOARD GAMES
1—BOAT
9—BONES
1—BOOKS
1—BOOTS
1—BOTTLE OPENER
1—BOTTLE WITH SCREW—ON CAP
1—BRAN
3—BROKEN DISHES
1—BROOM, SOFT
6—BROOM WITHOUT HANDLE
1—BRUSH, FOR BABY BOTTLES
2—BRUSH, HAIR (HARD BRUSH)
1—BRUSH, HAIR (SOFT BRUSH)
1—BRUSH, HOUSEHOLD
1—BRUSH, FOR WASHING DISHES
2—BRUSH, FOR WASHING FLOOR
1—BUILDING BLOCKS, CHILDRENS
5—BULB, ELECTRIC
4—BUS TICKET
8—BUTTON
4—CACTUS PEAR, PEEL
4—CAKE MIXES
5—CALCULATOR
5—CAMERA
4—CAMPHOR
2—CAN, EMPTY
8—CANDELABRA
3—CANDLE, WAX
7—CANDLESTICKS
4—CANDY WRAPPER
1—CANNED GOODS
2—CAR
3—CARBON PAPER
4—CAROB, PITS
6—CARPET
2—CARPET BEATER
1—CARROT, PEEL
2—CASSETTES
4—CASTOR OIL
2—CATALOGS
2—CAT BED
1—CAULIFLOWER
1—CHAIR, DIRT & DUST ON
3—CHALK
5—CHANDELIER
4—CHAPSTICK
1—CHECKERS
4—CHERRY, PITS
1—CHESS
5—CHECKS
1—CHILDREN'S CAR
3—CIGARETTE
2—CIGARETTE, CASE
3—CIGARETTE, LIGHTER
3—CIGARETTE, PACK
4—CINDER BLOCKS
1—CITRIC ACID
4—CLAY
1—CLEANING CLOTH
4—CLEMENTINE
1—CLOCK, ELECTRIC
1—CLOCK, HANDS OF
1—CLOCK, KNOBS OF
4—CLOCK, STOPPED OR BROKEN
5—CLOCK, WALL
2—CLOCK, WIND UP KEY
4—COCKROACH
1—COCOA
4—COCONUT, SHELL
1—COCONUT, GROUND
4—COFFEE BEANS
1—COFFEE, INSTANT
10—COINS
1—COLORING BOOK
10—COMB
1—COMBINATION LOCK
5—CONSTRUCTION PAPER
1—CONTAINER, YOGURT
5—CONTRACTS
8—CORD USED AS ELECTRIC SWITCH
1—CORKSCREW
4—CORN FLOUR
6—CORN ON THE COB, RAW
4—COSMETICS, CREAM FORM
4—COTTON SEEDS
2—COUNTER—TOP APPLIANCES
9—COVER OF UNDERGROUND ELECTRICITY BOX
2—CRYSTAL ASHTRAY
1—CRYSTAL WARE
1—CUCUMBER, PEEL
4—DATE PIT
4—DENTAL FLOSS
4—DEODORANT STICK
4—DETERGENT
2—DIAPER, CLEAN
4—DIAPER, DIRTY
1—DIGITAL WATCH
1—DIRT ON FLOOR
2—DOG BED
1—DOLLS THAT TALK
1—DOOR KNOCKER
5—DRILL, ELECTRIC
5—DRIVER'S LICENSE
2—DRUM, CHILDREN'S
5—DRYER
2—DRYER, DOOR
1—DUST PAN
1—DUSTER
4—DOUGH
3—DOUGH HOOK
1—EAR PLUG, RUBBER
3—EAR PLUG, WAX
10—EGG LAID ON SHABBOS
1—EGG, RAW
4—EGG, SHELL
4—EGGPLANT, RAW
1—EGG SLICER
1—EGG WITH BLOOD
2—ELECTRIC BLANKET
5—ELECTRIC LIGHT
5—ELECTRIC MIXER
8—ELECTRIC SWITCH
1—ELECTRIC SWITCH, COVER OVER
5—ENVELOPE
3—ERASER
2—ERECTOR SET
1—EXTRACTS, BAKING
4—EYE COLOR
2—FAN
4—FAUCET, FALLEN OFF
1—FAUCET ON WATER TANK
1—FEATHER ON GARMENT
4—FERTILIZER
3—FEVER TESTER
5—FILM, PHOTOGRAPHIC
1—FILTER, TAP
5—FIRE EXTINGUISHER
4—FISH, LIVE
1—FISHFOOD
5—FLASH—BULB
2—FLASHLIGHT
1—FLAVORING
4—FLIES
2—FLIPPERS
4—FLOOR CLEANER (LIQUID)
1—FLOOR RAG
3—FLOOR RAG (DAMP)
6—FLOOR RAG (VERY WET)
4—FLOUR
2—FLOUR SIFTER
1—FLOWERS
1—FLOWERS, ARTIFICIAL
1—FLOWERS, IN VASE
5—FLUORESCENT LAMP
2—FLUTE
2—FLY SWATTER
1—FOOD FOR SALE
1—FOOTBALL
1—FOOTBALL, DEFLATED
5—FRAGILE ARTICLES
1—FROZEN FOOD
4— FRUIT, UNRIPE
2—FRYING PAN
2—FUNNEL, WITH SIEVE
1—GARBAGE BAG
1—GARBAGE CAN, EMPTY
2—GARDENING TOOLS
4—GARLIC, PEEL
1—GARLIC POWDER
1—GARLIC SALT
5—GAS, BURNER
1—GAS, COVER OVER STOVE
3—GAS, CYLINDER TANK
4—GASOLINE
4—GAS—PIPE
5—GAS STOVE
1—GAUZE PADS
3—GIFT, UNGIVEN
4—GIFT, GIVEN
1—GINGER, GROUND
4—GINGER, UNGROUND
1—GLASS, BROKEN
9—GLASSES, BROKEN
4—GLASSES, FRAME BROKEN
7—GLASSES, LENS BROKEN
3—GLASSES, LENS LOST
2—GLASSES, SCREW FELL OUT
1—GLOVES, RUBBER
4—GLUE
4—GOLDFISH
1—GOURD, RAW
4—GRAIN
1—GRAPEFRUIT, PEEL & PITS
1—GRAPE, PITS
4—GRASS
2—GRATER
4—GREEN PEPPER, SEEDS
2—GRINDER, FOOD
2—GRINDSTONE
1—GUARD—RAIL, PORTABLE
1—GUAVA, PEELS & PITS
5—GUITAR
1—HAND CLEANER
4—HAND CREAM
2—HAMMER
4—HANDLE OF DOOR (BROKEN)
2—HARMONICA
7—HEARING AID
2—HEATER, ELECTRIC
7—HERBAL TEA
2—HOLE PUNCHER
4—HOOK WITH SCREW
4—HOOK WITH SUCTION CUP
4—HOOK & EYE
1—HORSERADISH
1—HOT PEPPER
1—HOT WATER BOTTLE
1—ICE
5—IDENTITY CARD
5—IMMERSION COIL
4—INK
4—INSECT, LIVE
4—INSECT, DEAD
4—INSECT, ON BODY
1—INSECT REPELLENT
4—INSECTICIDE
5—IRON
2—IRONING BOARD
5—JEWELER'S TOOL
2—JIGSAW PUZZLE
1—JOGGING SUIT
8—JUICE, FROM FRUIT
2—JUICER, HAND
4—KEROSENE
3—KEROSENE LAMP
3—KEROSENE LAMP, GLASS COVER
3—KEROSENE STOVE
2—KETTLE
10—KEY RING
4—KIDNEY BEANS, UNCOOKED
2—KNEADING BOARD
5—KNIFE
2—KNIFE SHARPENER
1—LABEL ON BOTTLE
1—LADDER
5—LAMP, TABLE
6—LAUNDRY, WET
2—LEGO
4—LEMON, PEEL & PITS
4—LENTILS, UNCOOKED
9—LETTER, IMPORTANT
7—LETTER, SEALED
1—LETTER BLOCKS, CHILDREN'S
1—LETTUCE, HEAD UNCHECKED
3—LIGHTER, CIGARETTE OR GAS
8—LIGHTSWITCH
1—LINSEED, GROUND
4—LINSEED OIL
4—LIPSTICK
1—LIQUID SOAP
1—LOCK, COMBINATION
4—LOQUAT, PITS
3—MAGNET
4—MACARONI, UNCOOKED
1—MANGO, PEEL
4—MANGO, PITS
4—MANURE
1—MANUSCRIPT, VALUABLE
1—MARBLES
1—MARGARINE, BAKING
1—MARROW
4—MASHED POTATO MIX
3—MATCHES
1—MATH BOOK
4—MATERIAL, FOR SEWING
1—MATERIAL, FROM OLD CLOTHING
2—MEASURING ROD
4—MEDICINES IN THE FORM OF CREAM
4—METAL, SCRAP
1—MICROSCOPE
4—MILK
7—MILK, CHOCOLATE
1—MINT
5—MIXER, ELECTRIC
4—MONEY
2—MOP
3—MOTORCYCLE
4—MOUSE
3—MOUSE TRAP
2—MOUTH ORGAN
1—MOUTHWASH SPRAY
1—MUSHROOM
2—MUSIC, SHEET
5—MUSIC, STAND
5—MUSICAL INSTRUMENT
5—MUSICAL INSTRUMENT CASE
4—MUSTARD KERNEL
2—NAIL CLIPPER
4—NAIL POLISH
3—NAILS OR SCREWS
2—NEEDLE
4—NEGATIVES, PHOTOGRAPHIC
6—NEWSPAPER
4—NOODLES, UNCOOKED
5—NOTE STAND
3—OARS
1—OATS, QUAKER
4—OKRA, RAW
4—OLIVE, PIT
4—OLIVE, UNPICKLED
4—ONION, PEEL
1—ONION POWDER
1—ORANGE, WHITE PART OF PEEL
4—ORANGE, OUTER PEEL WHEN SEPARATE FROM WHITE PART
4—ORANGE, PITS
1—OREGANO
5—ORNAMENT ON WALL OR CEILING
4—PAINT
2—PAINTBRUSH
4—PAINT, CHILDRENS
5—PAPER
1—PAPER CUP
5—PAPER, PAD
4—PAPER, SMALL PIECES
1—PAPER, WRAPPING
1—PAPERCLIP
1—PAPRIKA
5—PARCHMENT
4—PARROT
1—PARSLEY
5—PASSPORT
4—PEACH, PIT
4—PEANUT, SHELL
1—PEANUT, GROUND
1—PEAR, PIT
1—PEAS, DRIED OR FRESH
2—PEELER
2—PEN
2—PENCIL
3—PENCIL SHARPENER
1—PERFUME
4—PERSIMMON, PIT
4—PETS
2—PHONEBOOK
1—PHOTOGRAPHS
5—PIANO
2—PICKLING JAR
5—PICTURES, WALL MOUNTED
4—PILLS
4—PILLS, SLEEPING
2—PIN OR NEEDLE
4—PINEAPPLE PEEL
3—PIPE, TOBACCO
4—PISTACHIO, SHELL
1—PLANK OVER DITCH
4—PLANK OF WOOD
4—PLANTS
4—PLASTICINE (PLAY—DOH)
2—PLIERS
2—PLUG, BATH
1—PLUG, SINK
2—PLUNGER
4—POPCORN, KERNELS
1—POPPYSEED
5—POSTCARD
2—POT WITH LID
7—POT WITHOUT LID
4—POTATO PEELS, COOKED
4—POTATO PEELS, RAW
4—PRICE TAG
3—PROOFS, OF BOOK BEFORE PRINTING
2—PUMP, FOR INFLATING
7—PURSE, CONTAINING MONEY
2—PURSE, EMPTY
2—PUZZLE, JIGSAW
5—QUILL
1—RABBIT’S FOOT
4—RADIATOR
5—RADIO
1—RAG
1—RAIN
2—RAKE
2—RATTLE
2—RAZOR BLADE
5—RECEIPT BOOK
5—RECORD PLAYER
7—REFRIGERATOR
1—REFRIGERATOR, DOOR
1—ROAD BLOCK, PORTABLE
4—ROCK
2—ROLLING BOARD
2—ROLLING PIN
6—ROPE
1—RUBBERS
1—RUG
2—RULER
1—SAFETY PIN
1—SALT
1—SALT SHAKER
1—SAND, IN SANDBOX
4—SAND, ON BEACH
2—SANDPAPER
1—SATCHEL
3—SAW
5—SCALE
1—SCHOOLBAG
2—SCISSORS, FOR CLOTH
2—SCISSORS, FOR HAIR
1—SCISSORS, FOR MEAT
2—SCISSORS, FOR NAILS
2—SCRABBLE
2—SCREWDRIVER
3—SCREW
4—SEEDS, OF FLOWER
5—SEWING MACHINE
1—SHAMPOO
2—SHOE
9—SHOE, REQUIRING REPAIR
4—SHOE, WHEN PAIR IS LOST
2—SHOELACE
4—SHOE POLISH
1—SHOE TREE
2—SHOVEL, GARDENING
1—SHOWER, HOSE
1—SNEAKER
2—SNORKEL
8—SNOW
4—SOAP, BAR
4—SOUP
2—SPADE
2—SPATULA
4—SPIDER WEB
2—SPONGE
2—SPRINKLER
5—STAMPS
2—STAPLER
4—STEEL WOOL
4—STONE
2—STRAINER
1—STRAINER, IN SINK
8—STRING
1—SUITCASE, EMPTY
1—SUNGLASSES
1—SUNFLOWER SEEDS
4—SUPPOSITORIES
4—SWITCH, ELECTRIC
1—SWITCH, ELECTRIC, COVER OVER
3—TABLETS, SALT
1—TOOTHPASTE
2—TRAPS, RODENT
10—UNDERWEAR
1—VANILLA
2—VASELINE
3—VEGETABLE OIL
9—VELVET PAINTINGS
1—WHITENER, TEETH
5—WILD RICE
10—WIPES, BABY
2—WOOD
1—YOGURT
