FRAGMENTS FROM
ROSIE! THE MUSICAL
By Ben Greenman
By Ben Greenman
Originally
Composed January 2007
[MISS USA
appears on the center of the stage in a single spotlight.]
MISS USA:
I have a story to tell
It's a sad, sad tale
A girl is crowned; that girl falls down
Here is the coffin, here is the nail.
I was just a country girl
The city had me in a whirl
I got carried away
I got carried away
A little coke, a little booze
Is that really front-page news?
I got carried away
I got carried away
Haven't you ever been bleary-eyed
At four a.m. on a waterslide
With your underwear balled up at the bottom of your purse?
(I hope that you say yes because the story gets much worse.)
[MISS USA meets
with pageant owner DONALD TRUMP, who permits her to keep her title but
reprimands her publicly.]
TRUMP:
They wanted execution
I granted absolution
When young woman makes an error
She seeks out the standard-bearer
So go, my child
Don’t regret that you were wild
To live is to live free
And remember The Apprentice
Coming soon on NBC
[The next day,
ROSIE O'DONNELL attacks TRUMP for sitting in judgment of MISS USA.]
ROSIE:
She made mistakes?
Consider the source.
This blowhard clown
Is twice divorced.
Of course we should forgive her,
But of one thing I am sure
He's no judge of character
Mon hypocrite buildeur!
[This touches
off a feud.]
TRUMP:
Hey fatty, you're fat
I'm sure about that
ROSIE:
You lost all your money
And you also look funny
TRUMP:
Hey lardo! Wide-load!
You’re gonna explode!
ROSIE:
A creature is dead
And it sits on your head
TRUMP:
You curse like a sailor
Your magazine: failure.
ROSIE:
Reality called
It said you were bald.
TRUMP:
You’re pudgy! You’re stout!
You’re gay!
ROSIE:
But I’m out!
[The conflict
escalates TRUMP is working in his office. An assistant comes in the door.]
TRUMP:
This had better be important
For you to barge in here
I am drafting an epistle
About her enlarged rear
[ROSIE is
working in her office. Her wife calls to her to come to breakfast.]
ROSIE:
Kelly, please, do not
Make me come over there
I'm jotting down some comments
About his repulsive hair.
[TRUMP takes to
the airwaves to continue attacking ROSIE. He appears on virtually every
American talk show, where he discusses the feud and manages to mention The
Apprentice.]
TRUMP:
I have a show that comes out soon
But that hardly matters now.
My integrity has been impugned
By a loudmouthed, moon-faced cow.
[And even some
on Telemundo.]
TRUMP:
Compredeme? Un vaca?
Es tan grande como Oaxaca!
[After ROSIE's
colleagues on the View appear to back her over TRUMP, TRUMP reveals that
BARBARA WALTERS has not always been such a supporter of ROSIE.]
TRUMP:
Barbara is my friend
A good friend, I should say
So it did not surprise me
When she called me up one day
It was very enlightening
When she began to speak
She insulted Rosie's bearing
Her talent, her physique
She said she's hard to work with
She said she likes to fight.
Did I mention the Apprentice,
Which premieres on Sunday night?
[BARBARA denies
the account.]
BARBARA:
It isn't twue
Thewe's no twuth in it
Mw. Twump,
You wait one minute!
Wosie is my colleague
I'm so pwoud of ouw show
That's the gospel, Mw. Twump
I think that you should know
Your lies fill me with sowwow.
Watch the View tomowwow.
[TRUMP turns on
BARBARA.]
TRUMP:
You are a liar
You bossy old trout
How do you sit there
Day in and day out
Next to that fatso,
That dirigible?
She always looks like
Her fat mouth is full.
[The bad blood
between the three worsens. TRUMP sends a letter to ROSIE at the View. ROSIE
attacks TRUMP online. BARBARA backs ROSIE up on the air. TRUMP maligns BARBARA
further. As the controversy rages, all three, unbeknownst to the public, meet
aboard Trump’s gold-plated hydrofoil.]
TRUMP:
Hi there, gals
Are we still pals
Assuming we’re meeting
In secure locales?
[TRUMP hugs
BARBARA. BARBARA motions to ROSIE. ROSIE hugs TRUMP, though she is careful not
to touch his hair.]
ALL THREE:
We are fascinating people
We know that's true because
For all our wealth and power
We are best-known for our flaws
He's a jackass, she's a boor
The third one can't speak right
But we have a nice rapport
That makes everything alright.
They say it's for the ratings
But they don't know that for sure
It's possible that we are simply
Rich and immature
The public eye can only see
As far as we permit
As far as anybody knows
Our anger is legit
But it’s copacetic, fine with us,
Everything’s okay.
At least we're not a worthless whore
Like that poor Miss USA
Like that poor…Miss…U…S…A!!!
[MISS USA
returns to the stage, removes her tiara, replaces it, removes it again,
replaces it again. The lights fade out while she repeats the motion.]
