JAWS 2020

By Ben Greenman

From future collection, as yet untitled.

Scientists have discovered thousands of tiny sharks in the ocean, many no larger than a human thumb—this gives the species its informal name, “thumb sharks”—which swim in orbit around coral reefs, most of which are in mortal crisis as a result of marine pollution. Polluted reefs pass through two stages of evolution: the “Blue Desert” and then the “Boneyard.” During the Blue Desert phase, any thumb sharks swimming close to the reef will be pulled into its walls by underwater currents created by erosion, though sharks swimming more than six or eight feet away can resist the attraction of the reef, remain independent, and survive. During the Boneyard phase, no sharks are pulled into the reef, but no sharks can profit from it either, as there is nothing left but the rocky husk, and as a result they swim in tight, rapid pinwheel shapes created by groups of ten or more. Recent research has shown that sand disks appear on the shallow ocean floor beneath these pinwheeling groups, and though it is still unclear what the precise function of these disks might be, they seem to be serve as what one researcher refers to as “conceptual spotlights.” What they are spotlighting is less clear. It is also worth noting that the lead shark in each pinwheel formation is designated as a leader, and that all other sharks are not following the pattern at all but rather following the leader (who does follow the pattern). In this, scientists say, the sharks are very much like humans, accepting subsequence as a condition of survival without regard for their own pride. “No philosophy to speak of,” said Regina Sucre, one of the lead researchers on the team. “No quest. Every thumb shark save that lead is a perfect example of a thought unthought, a heart unstirred, a love affair not only unconsummated but unattempted. Nothing is ventured, as the old saying goes, so nothing is gained.” Sucre sat in a sports car that she had purchased with grant money and wiggled her fingers in a burlesque of the lesser sharks.

PITY THE POOR RECTANGLE

In the time of coming darkness, there lived a man named Ralph Angelo, known, because of the square set of his shoulders and his blocky black shoes, as Rectangle. This man was highly skilled in all matters creative and scientific. He could work with wood and silk. He could write songs and poems. He earned money as a television and radio repairman, and he had kept pace with the times by learning how to repair computers and cellular telephones as well. He had a special interest in divination. For an hour each day, beginning at noon, he would sit outside his place of business. Men would bring him books of matches, which he would scatter on the table in front of him, and after inspecting them for a few moments he would lift his head and make an announcement. “Do not leave your wife,” he would say, or “Get to the doctor about that headache,” or “Wake up earlier; you will thank me.” His advice was worth much, and given with a spirit of total sacrifice and generosity. While he sat at the match table, he did not eat and did not drink and would not accept even a penny in payment. His work was tireless. If the community had only listened to him it would have flourished, but the men who brought matchbooks often went away laughing at Rectangle, and their wives and children at home reinforced this mockery, and the men continued sleeping, or did not check out their headaches, or packed a bag and moved out of the house. Appalled by their insensibility, Rectangle folded up his table and went back to repairing radios, televisions, computers and cellular telephones, which brought people news they did not need, and by degrees turned them into people who were needed by no one.

©2020 Ben Greenman/Stupid Ideas