By Ben Greenman
Originally Composed April 2000
Originally Published on McSweeneys.net
[The ADULT ELIAN GONZĂLEZ (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) is
watching children playing soccer in a field. When a ball is kicked toward him,
Elian retrieves it and begins to sing.]
ADULT ELIAN:
Out of bounds
I know just how this
soccer ball must feel
Kicked around
My own life to me
sometimes seems unreal
Mi vida was loca
One day I awoke-a
To find my mother
standing with a smile
Get dressed, she said
Get out of bed
We’re going to Miami for
a while
[Flashback: A boat, at sea, is trapped in the middle
of a storm. The young ELIAN (Jonathan Lipnicki, hair dyed black) is holding
tight to his MOTHER (Jennifer Lopez).]
ELIAN:
Mama! Mama!
Don’t fall into the sea
For if you fall
I am so small
What will become
Of me?
MOTHER:
Don’t forget
Mi hijo
America is over there
And in America
You’ll have good food to
eat
And shirts that you
don’t have to share
And tennis shoes with
pumps in them
That fill the soles with
air!
[The boat capsizes, drowning Elian’s mother and many
of the other passengers. Elian finds an inner tube and holds on for dear life.
Two days later, he washes up on the shores of Miami. American relatives claim
him, and he becomes the focus of an international dispute when Cuban dictator
FIDEL CASTRO (Mandy Patinkin) demands his return.]
FIDEL CASTRO:
In the matter of
Gonzales
Take a letter
Or should I say
dictation?
It wasn’t just by accident
That I rose to lead this
nation.
Don’t mess with me.
I beat Batista.
I’ll have him back here
Before Easter.
A holiday that we don’t
celebrate.
I’m sure the decadent
Americans
Are letting that boy
stay up way too late.
[In Miami, the Cuban community, and then the entire
city, erupts into divisive debate. Two elderly men, MILTON (Walter Matthau) and
GEORGE (Jack Lemmon) argue the two sides of the issue.]
MILTON:
The truth is plain to
see.
If he’s not here, he’s
gone.
You left-wing fool!
You’d have him be
A Communistic pawn.
GEORGE:
The boy should be sent
home
He has a father there
You right-wing fool!
You own a comb
But not a strand of
hair!
[Back in Cuba, Elian’s
FATHER (Andy Garcia) laments his son’s absence.]
FATHER:
It’s driving me bananas
To wait here in Havana
For my boy.
I’ve lost him to the
land
Of New York and the Rio
Grande
Hollywood and Maine and
Illinois.
Though I’m somewhat
outspoken
I’m no politician.
I sit on no commission.
It would take a real
magician
To fix what has been
broken
It would take a David
Copperfield
Or even Sigfriend and/or
Roy
To make sure that my
wound is healed
And bring me back my
boy!
[In the wake of Congressional hearings on Elian,
intensifying protests, and rumors that Elian is growing accustomed to his new
life in America, his two GRANDMOTHERS, Raquel Rodriguez (Olympia Dukakis) and
Mariela Quintana (Lauren Bacall), come to Washington to plead for their
grandson’s return.]
GRANDMOTHERS:
He’s just a little child
What on earth does he
know?
The winds of change blow
wild
Look! Here comes Janet
Reno!
[JANET RENO (Sigourney Weaver) meets with the two
grandmothers. Congress meets with the two grandmothers. Janet Reno meets with
Congress. The two grandmothers meet with Elian. Then the two grandmothers,
confused, meet with each other. Finally, Elian steps into the spotlight.]
ELIAN:
Wait!
Why will no one ask me
what I think?
Wait!
This idiotic crisis has
pushed me to the brink.
[He is joined onstage by the
ADULT ELIAN, still holding the soccer ball:]
ADULT ELIAN:
What’s that?
A voice!
What is
His choice?
ELIAN:
Wait!
Please let me express my
own opinion.
Wait!
When it comes to my own
fate, I must have dominion.
ADULT ELIAN:
His shiny eyes!
His ruddy cheeks!
The political football
speaks!
He speaks!
ELIAN:
Wait!
I demand to be heard.
Wait!
Just one lousy word.
[The curtains part to show the entire cast,
including Fidel Castro, Milton, George, Janet Reno, Elian’s father, and the
ghost of Elian’s mother. As they sing, the adult Elian holds the soccer ball
aloft.]
ALL:
The ocean is wide,
As wide as an ocean,
As wide as this little
boy’s
Innermost emotions.
So go now, boy,
And kick this ball into
the goal.
And know now, boy,
That the truest freedom
Is the freedom of the
soul!
That’s right: the truest
freedom
Is the freedom of the
soul!
[The young Elian storms off,
disgusted.]
