FRAGMENTS FROM ELIAN! THE MUSICAL

By Ben Greenman 

Originally Composed April 2000

Originally Published on McSweeneys.net

[The ADULT ELIAN GONZÁLEZ (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) is watching children playing soccer in a field. When a ball is kicked toward him, Elian retrieves it and begins to sing.]

ADULT ELIAN:

Out of bounds

I know just how this soccer ball must feel

Kicked around

My own life to me sometimes seems unreal

Mi vida was loca

One day I awoke-a

To find my mother standing with a smile

Get dressed, she said

Get out of bed

We’re going to Miami for a while

[Flashback: A boat, at sea, is trapped in the middle of a storm. The young ELIAN (Jonathan Lipnicki, hair dyed black) is holding tight to his MOTHER (Jennifer Lopez).]

ELIAN:

Mama! Mama!

Don’t fall into the sea

For if you fall

I am so small

What will become

Of me?

MOTHER:

Don’t forget

Mi hijo

America is over there

And in America

You’ll have good food to eat

And shirts that you don’t have to share

And tennis shoes with pumps in them

That fill the soles with air!

[The boat capsizes, drowning Elian’s mother and many of the other passengers. Elian finds an inner tube and holds on for dear life. Two days later, he washes up on the shores of Miami. American relatives claim him, and he becomes the focus of an international dispute when Cuban dictator FIDEL CASTRO (Mandy Patinkin) demands his return.]

FIDEL CASTRO:

In the matter of Gonzales

Take a letter

Or should I say dictation?

It wasn’t just by accident

That I rose to lead this nation.

Don’t mess with me.

I beat Batista.

I’ll have him back here

Before Easter.

A holiday that we don’t celebrate.

I’m sure the decadent Americans

Are letting that boy stay up way too late.

[In Miami, the Cuban community, and then the entire city, erupts into divisive debate. Two elderly men, MILTON (Walter Matthau) and GEORGE (Jack Lemmon) argue the two sides of the issue.]

MILTON:

The truth is plain to see.

If he’s not here, he’s gone.

You left-wing fool!

You’d have him be

A Communistic pawn.

GEORGE:

The boy should be sent home

He has a father there

You right-wing fool!

You own a comb

But not a strand of hair!

[Back in Cuba, Elian’s FATHER (Andy Garcia) laments his son’s absence.]

FATHER:

It’s driving me bananas

To wait here in Havana

For my boy.

I’ve lost him to the land

Of New York and the Rio Grande

Hollywood and Maine and Illinois.

Though I’m somewhat outspoken

I’m no politician.

I sit on no commission.

It would take a real magician

To fix what has been broken

It would take a David Copperfield

Or even Sigfriend and/or Roy

To make sure that my wound is healed

And bring me back my boy!

[In the wake of Congressional hearings on Elian, intensifying protests, and rumors that Elian is growing accustomed to his new life in America, his two GRANDMOTHERS, Raquel Rodriguez (Olympia Dukakis) and Mariela Quintana (Lauren Bacall), come to Washington to plead for their grandson’s return.]

GRANDMOTHERS:

He’s just a little child

What on earth does he know?

The winds of change blow wild

Look! Here comes Janet Reno!

[JANET RENO (Sigourney Weaver) meets with the two grandmothers. Congress meets with the two grandmothers. Janet Reno meets with Congress. The two grandmothers meet with Elian. Then the two grandmothers, confused, meet with each other. Finally, Elian steps into the spotlight.]

ELIAN:

Wait!

Why will no one ask me what I think?

Wait!

This idiotic crisis has pushed me to the brink.

[He is joined onstage by the ADULT ELIAN, still holding the soccer ball:]

ADULT ELIAN:

What’s that?

A voice!

What is

His choice?

ELIAN:

Wait!

Please let me express my own opinion.

Wait!

When it comes to my own fate, I must have dominion.

ADULT ELIAN:

His shiny eyes!

His ruddy cheeks!

The political football speaks!

He speaks!

ELIAN:

Wait!

I demand to be heard.

Wait!

Just one lousy word.

[The curtains part to show the entire cast, including Fidel Castro, Milton, George, Janet Reno, Elian’s father, and the ghost of Elian’s mother. As they sing, the adult Elian holds the soccer ball aloft.]

ALL:

The ocean is wide,

As wide as an ocean,

As wide as this little boy’s

Innermost emotions.

So go now, boy,

And kick this ball into the goal.

And know now, boy,

That the truest freedom

Is the freedom of the soul!

That’s right: the truest freedom

Is the freedom of the soul!

[The young Elian storms off, disgusted.]