Stray Reprints
Tuesday, April 16, 2024
Tuesday, March 12, 2024
COMING BACK FOR MORE
Hi, Arlene and Sean!
"Been so high, I touched the sky and the sky says 'Sly, why you tryin' to get by?"
Lalala etc.
But it would be the real song, on autoplay, instead of my text version...
Saturday, March 18, 2023
DIAMOND LIFE: A PLAY BY ME AND CHATGPT
ME: Can you write a short play where United States Pharmacopeia meets a woman named Alice, falls in love with her, and begins to experience doubt about their fitness for one another, all the while worrying that her favorite baseball team, the Toronto Blue Jays, will lose the World Series because of a freak lawnmower injury to a star pitcher?
CHATGPT:
Title: Doubts and Dilemmas
Cast of Characters:
United States Pharmacopeia (USP)
Alice
Toronto Blue Jays Fan
Act 1, Scene 1:
USP: Good morning. I'm United States Pharmacopeia, and I'm here to talk to Alice.
Alice: Hi. Nice to meet you.
USP: Alice, I must confess that I'm instantly drawn to you. Your wit and intelligence are captivating.
Alice: That's very flattering, USP. But I must warn you, I'm a big Toronto Blue Jays fan.
USP: That's not a problem. I respect your love for the game.
Alice: Great! So, what brings you here?
USP: Well, Alice, I must be honest. I've been experiencing doubts about our compatibility. I mean, I'm a set of standards for drug purity and quality, and you're a person.
Alice: I understand your concerns, USP. But don't forget, your work is vital to the health and well-being of millions of people. I admire that about you.
USP: Thank you, Alice. That means a lot. But I can't help but worry about the Blue Jays. They're playing in the World Series, and I heard that their star pitcher got injured by a lawnmower accident.
Alice: Oh, no! That's terrible news. I hope he'll be okay.
Toronto Blue Jays Fan (offstage): No, he won't! We're doomed!
Act 2, Scene 1:
USP: Alice, I can't shake off my worries about the Blue Jays. I know it sounds silly, but I feel like their fate is somehow connected to our relationship.
Alice: That's a strange thing to say, USP. The outcome of a baseball game has nothing to do with us.
USP: I know, I know. It's just that I'm struggling to reconcile my duty to ensure drug safety with my feelings for you and your passion for the Blue Jays.
Alice: Maybe it's time to take a break and clear your head. Let's go to a game together and enjoy ourselves. It might help you put things into perspective.
USP: That's a great idea, Alice. Thank you.
Act 3, Scene 1:
Toronto Blue Jays Fan (offstage): And the Blue Jays are the 2023 World Series champions!
USP: Yes! We did it, Alice! The Blue Jays won!
Alice: I'm so happy for you, USP. You seem like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
USP: You know what, Alice? You're right. Watching the game with you reminded me that life is about balance. It's okay to have doubts and fears, but we shouldn't let them consume us.
Alice: I couldn't agree more, USP.
USP: And who knows? Maybe I can find a way to support your love for the Blue Jays while fulfilling my duty to promote drug safety.
Alice: That's the spirit, USP. Now, let's go celebrate with the rest of the fans.
Friday, January 27, 2023
BAD LUCK FOR BOB
Tuesday, December 20, 2022
SEEN AND HERD
The observations discussed in the paper being presented today were all made from aircraft, the method of flying being that reported by Welsh (2180) and Tannabon (2189b). In the tracking of wolf-human hybrids—a species that, as all present here today are well aware, first appeared in the year 2099, following full environment apocalypse—the following aircraft were used (in order of size): Wiggs Cantabile, Simon Spotlight 90, Simon Spotlight 92, and Simon Spotlight 96. The smaller of these aircraft were superb at holding in tight circles over the herds but had poor airspeed and insufficient heating; the largest, the Cantabile, was toasty but could not turn.
©2022 Ben Greenman/Stupid Ideas
Tuesday, November 8, 2022
FRAGMENTS FROM ELECTION! THE MUSICAL
Originally
Composed December 2000 and published in McSweeneys.
by Ben Greenman
[The curtain rises on a NEWS REPORTER standing before the national electoral map.]
NEWS REPORTER:
Over my two decades in the business
Some of my work has been just superb.
I once did a piece
On the civil war in Greece
And then there was the series on the Serbs.
This year, I thought that I’d take it easy,
Sit behind a desk election night,
Watch the exit polls
Eat a bunch of coffee rolls,
The race, they said, would probably be tight.
[The night before the election, the candidates appear before their campaigns.]
GORE:
I plan to win
The country knows
What shape it’s in.
BUSH:
I will prevail,
If that means “win.”
I cannot fail.
[The night of the election, the news media awaits the results.]
NEWS REPORTER:
Florida goes for Gore,
Bush’s hopes are slim,
In the Electoral score,
Things are looking grim.
Florida’s swinging back,
Our earlier pronouncement,
Has come under attack.
Please wait for an announcement.
Bush has Florida now.
He will win the race.
We cannot say just how
This egg got on our face.
Scratch that “Bush Wins” news.
Scratch this whole election.
This vaunted right to choose
Is democracy’s infection.
[The day after the election, voters across the country are confused, but nowhere more than in Florida.]
FLORIDA VOTER:
I’d rather be shot from a cannon
Than vote for that Nazi Buchanan.
I thought that I voted for Gore
But I just don’t know anymore.
[Days pass without decisive results]
NEWS REPORTER:
An election with no President
Is like a perfume with no scent
Or a spice rack with no salt or pepper.
BILL CLINTON:
Hey, jackass! Don’t get too upset
I’m not done as Big Chief yet.
I’m a lame duck, buddy, not a leper!
[KATHERINE HARRIS, Florida Secretary of State, vows to get to the bottom of the election results. The media descends upon Florida to watch as recounts begin.]
KATHERINE HARRIS:
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
Yes, I have okayed
Some limited recounting.
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
Yes, the pressure on me
Is steadily mounting.
THE MEDIA:
Day one was fun.
Day two was, too.
Day three and day four were exciting for Gore.
Day five and day six smacked of dirty tricks.
Days seven and eight, we awaited our fate.
Day nine and day ten, we started over again.
KATHERINE HARRIS:
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
In the state GOP
My star is ascendant.
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
Do you think that I look
Like a flight attendant?
THE MEDIA:
Day thirteen, day thirteen.
Cigarettes and caffeine
Are the only things keeping us awake.
Day fourteen, day fourteen
That damned voting machine!
We’ve had about all we can take.
KATHERINE HARRIS:
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
I thank you all so much
For enduring this frustration.
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
I will soon have results
To bring before the nation.
[KATHERINE HARRIS calls a meeting to announce Florida’s final tallies.]
KATHERINE HARRIS:
I said that I’d be calm,
I said that I’d be cool,
I said that I’d be smooth,
I wouldn’t act the fool.
Well, I lied.
Because he’s certified!
I swear to you he’s certified!
This feeling that I have inside
Can’t be denied!
I feel like a beautiful new bride!
George W. Bush is
Cer-ti-fied!!!
[The candidates react to the announcement.]
BUSH:
Some people pay attention in the classroom.
Others like to have a real good time.
(What’s the point of being rich and famous
If partying is treated as a crime?)
At any rate, I wasn’t much for schoolbooks.
But there’s one thing that is clear as a bell:
Parents pass along traits like height and brains.
My daddy gave me something else as well:
I am President!
I am President!
Because of that, the other guy is not!
I am President!
I am President!
I got more in the college than he got!
They say that I’m stupid and dullish and dense
But I understand things that make perfect sense.
I am President!
I am President!
Because of that the other guy is not!
I am President!
I am President!
I got more in the college than he got!
Number One.
It’s so fun.
Like father, like son!
GORE:
In these kinds of environments
It’s very customary
To speak in rhyming prose or even sing.
But I fear that such a practice
Will simply blur the issue
Which is that the results mentioned by Ms. Harris include illegal votes
And do not include legal votes that were improperly rejected.
The number of such votes is more than sufficient to place in doubt
The result of this election.
Thank you.
Sunday, October 2, 2022
SPECIAL SCREENING
©2021 Ben Greenman/Stupid Ideas