Originally
Composed December 2000 and published in McSweeneys.
by Ben Greenman
[The curtain rises on a NEWS REPORTER standing before the national electoral map.]
NEWS REPORTER:
Over my two decades in the business
Some of my work has been just superb.
I once did a piece
On the civil war in Greece
And then there was the series on the Serbs.
This year, I thought that I’d take it easy,
Sit behind a desk election night,
Watch the exit polls
Eat a bunch of coffee rolls,
The race, they said, would probably be tight.
[The night before the election, the candidates appear before their campaigns.]
GORE:
I plan to win
The country knows
What shape it’s in.
BUSH:
I will prevail,
If that means “win.”
I cannot fail.
[The night of the election, the news media awaits the results.]
NEWS REPORTER:
Florida goes for Gore,
Bush’s hopes are slim,
In the Electoral score,
Things are looking grim.
Florida’s swinging back,
Our earlier pronouncement,
Has come under attack.
Please wait for an announcement.
Bush has Florida now.
He will win the race.
We cannot say just how
This egg got on our face.
Scratch that “Bush Wins” news.
Scratch this whole election.
This vaunted right to choose
Is democracy’s infection.
[The day after the election, voters across the country are confused, but nowhere more than in Florida.]
FLORIDA VOTER:
I’d rather be shot from a cannon
Than vote for that Nazi Buchanan.
I thought that I voted for Gore
But I just don’t know anymore.
[Days pass without decisive results]
NEWS REPORTER:
An election with no President
Is like a perfume with no scent
Or a spice rack with no salt or pepper.
BILL CLINTON:
Hey, jackass! Don’t get too upset
I’m not done as Big Chief yet.
I’m a lame duck, buddy, not a leper!
[KATHERINE HARRIS, Florida Secretary of State, vows to get to the bottom of the election results. The media descends upon Florida to watch as recounts begin.]
KATHERINE HARRIS:
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
Yes, I have okayed
Some limited recounting.
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
Yes, the pressure on me
Is steadily mounting.
THE MEDIA:
Day one was fun.
Day two was, too.
Day three and day four were exciting for Gore.
Day five and day six smacked of dirty tricks.
Days seven and eight, we awaited our fate.
Day nine and day ten, we started over again.
KATHERINE HARRIS:
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
In the state GOP
My star is ascendant.
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
Do you think that I look
Like a flight attendant?
THE MEDIA:
Day thirteen, day thirteen.
Cigarettes and caffeine
Are the only things keeping us awake.
Day fourteen, day fourteen
That damned voting machine!
We’ve had about all we can take.
KATHERINE HARRIS:
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
I thank you all so much
For enduring this frustration.
Nice to meet you!
Nice to meet you!
I will soon have results
To bring before the nation.
[KATHERINE HARRIS calls a meeting to announce Florida’s final tallies.]
KATHERINE HARRIS:
I said that I’d be calm,
I said that I’d be cool,
I said that I’d be smooth,
I wouldn’t act the fool.
Well, I lied.
Because he’s certified!
I swear to you he’s certified!
This feeling that I have inside
Can’t be denied!
I feel like a beautiful new bride!
George W. Bush is
Cer-ti-fied!!!
[The candidates react to the announcement.]
BUSH:
Some people pay attention in the classroom.
Others like to have a real good time.
(What’s the point of being rich and famous
If partying is treated as a crime?)
At any rate, I wasn’t much for schoolbooks.
But there’s one thing that is clear as a bell:
Parents pass along traits like height and brains.
My daddy gave me something else as well:
I am President!
I am President!
Because of that, the other guy is not!
I am President!
I am President!
I got more in the college than he got!
They say that I’m stupid and dullish and dense
But I understand things that make perfect sense.
I am President!
I am President!
Because of that the other guy is not!
I am President!
I am President!
I got more in the college than he got!
Number One.
It’s so fun.
Like father, like son!
GORE:
In these kinds of environments
It’s very customary
To speak in rhyming prose or even sing.
But I fear that such a practice
Will simply blur the issue
Which is that the results mentioned by Ms. Harris include illegal votes
And do not include legal votes that were improperly rejected.
The number of such votes is more than sufficient to place in doubt
The result of this election.
Thank you.
