By Ben Greenman
Originally from McSweeneys, 2001
*
November 28, 2002
Dear Mr. Burns,
I am writing to complain
about your recent six-hour documentary miniseries, "Numbers, One Through
Ten." As a third-grade math teacher for the last twenty-nine years, I
believe that it is irresponsible to assert that four is "the most
important number of all," especially given the contributions of numbers
like two and five. In addition, I am dismayed by the unforgivable omission of
one, three, and nine. Where would my students be without the number three? In
no grade at all!
On the other hand, I was
very moved by Morgan Freeman’s recitation of Pi—after two hours and forty-five
minutes, I was still riveted, and only exhaustion prevented me from staying up
to see more.
Ruth
J. Anderson
Dothan,
Alabama
***
September 5, 2003
Dear Mr. Burns,
The Civil War, baseball,
suffrage, jazz, Lewis and Clark, early radio, the police: all of these are
fertile topics for exploration, certainly. But socks, Mr. Burns? Socks?
Jay
Bettancourt
New
York City
***
January
22, 2005
Dear Mr. Burns,
When I first heard that
you were working on a miniseries about the dictionary, I called my son at his
friend's house to tell him how excited I was to see it. I have been a student
of the dictionary for many years, and have found myself returning to it time
and time again. As a devotee of your earlier works, I was eager to see how you
would treat this wonderful book, which has given me so much knowledge over the
years.
How sad, then, that
"Dictionary" did not live up to its promise. To begin with, I thought
that the choice of narrators was wrong. Arnold Schwarzenegger, while
undoubtedly a lovely man, has a Teutonic flavor to his speech that is more than
a little distracting, and his work on the first installment, "Aardvark to
Acetone," was difficult if not impossible to listen to. Over my son’s
strenuous objections, I convinced him to watch the second installment,
"Candelabrum to Canker," and was horrified to find that it was
narrated by Antonio Banderas. I wanted my son to learn to have a greater
appreciation for the dictionary, not to walk around the house saying
"Candy, noun: any sweet or piece of chocolate" in an exaggerated
Spanish accent. And then there was "Dictionary to Duumvir," which had
the potential to be the most poignant episode of all, since it contained the
word "Dictionary." I cannot tell you how disappointed I was with your
choice of Fran Drescher as narrator.
I am not a quitter, Mr.
Burns. I stuck with you through all fourteen hours of "Dictionary."
The next time, though, I am not certain I will do the same.
Elaine
Ternis
Davis,
California
***
April
9, 2007
Dear Mr. Burns,
Far be it from me to
tell an accomplished filmmaker such as yourself how to do his job. I am just a
fan, a loyal fan who has always appreciated the way that you have reconstructed
American history with the simplest of audiovisual tools. But in my heart, I
feel as though your latest documentary, "The History of Some Things I
Could Find Documented in Cheap, Sentimental Sepia-Toned Photographs," was
a bit arbitrary and self-serving.
Harold
Firbank
Springfield,
Illinois
***
May
1, 2009
Dear Mr. Burns,
As a documentary
filmmaker myself, I have followed your work since "Brooklyn Bridge"
in 1981, and I was immensely influenced by such projects as "The Civil
War" and "Baseball." But it is your latest effort,
"Documentaries," that finally compelled me to write a letter. I had
heard that this was your longest documentary yet, with more than thirty hours
of broadcast time. But I was not prepared for the fact that all thirty hours
would be spent panning slowly back and forth over a single photograph of your
face, or that the soundtrack would consist of only of an endless loop of your
laughter—which, to be honest, began to sound sinister after the ninth or tenth
hour.
I hope that the DVD
edition will have additional footage.
Lance
J. Anderson
Omaha, Nebraska
Omaha, Nebraska
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