By Ben Greenman
Originally Composed August 2003
[A respiratory health problem crops up in Toronto.]
MAN:
The Hong Kong flight was long
And I knew something was wrong
The minute that I woke up from my nap
I've had colds, and stopped-up ears,
A sinus thing that stayed for years.
Once in the lavatory I think I caught the clap.
But this is something else, I'm sure
There's a feeling in my lungs that resists any cure.
WOMAN:
At my mom's condo in downtown Toronto
I felt a strange twinge in my chest
By Davenport and Dovercourt,
I leaned on a pole for some rest
Now it's headache, stiffness, loss of appetite
To put the matter plainly, I don't feel right
Fever, a dry cough, and shortness of breath
Plus the worst symptom yet: I'm scared half to death!
[Ordinary citizens, first in one Toronto apartment building but then in widening circles, start reporting symptoms. The government responds, some say too slowly, and subsequent redefinitions of the syndrome only increase the numbers. Amid increasing criticism from the PEOPLE OF TORONTO, Prime Minister JEAN CHRETIEN assures Toronto's residents that the crisis is being managed properly.]
PEOPLE OF TORONTO:
Our wonderful city
Has been brought to its knees
By a strange inexplicable--
Did that guy just sneeze?
CHRETIEN:
There's nothing to worry about
Nothing to fear
Canada's safe
It's wonderful here.
I'll go to Toronto
To end all this whining
Here is my photo op
Fine Chinese dining
PEOPLE OF TORONTO:
Panic at Pearson,
Strict quarantine.
We've even got masks
But it's not Halloween
CHRETIEN:
Hu Jintao and I
Will sit down at a table
And work out this problem
As best as we're able
They say "epidemic"
But that's just baloney
It's under control
Here's a fastball, Mulroney!
PEOPLE OF TORONTO:
While you explore options
Outside the hot zone
Our grandmas at St. Mike's
Spend evenings alone
[While some citizens clamor for more funding and safety measures, others complain that the government is devoting too much attention to SARS at the exclusion of the nation's other problems: softwood lumber, the declining fishing industry, border security, and the discovery of mad cow disease in an Alberta herd.]
COW:
What's my beef? Let me tell you.
Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo!
[Scientists identify SARS as a coronavirus and investigate the cause.]
SCIENTIST:
The habitat
Of the civet cat
Is not of course Canadian
These cats obey
The edges of the day.
In short, they're quite circadian.
Over there in China, and Hong Kong, and parts east
The civet cat is sometimes used as the entree in a feast.
I'm not one to judge--my tastes run more to chips and beer--
But the epidemiology of this virus is clear.
[Toronto's mayor, MEL LASTMAN, expresses his frustration with the slow pace of science.]
MEL LASTMAN:
Waitresses are unemployed
My citizens are paranoid
It's time for action now, not time for study!
We ain't too proud to beg
J. Lo, don't film in Winnipeg.
Who's better than Bad Boy? Nobody!
[Canadian music stars organize a concert to demonstrate that the city is safe.]
CONCERT ORGANIZER:
First there was Avril, still uncomplicated.
Our Lady Peace then joined in, elated.
Now the lineup includes everyone and their mother
Remy Shand on one hand, Sum 41 on the other
Neil Young, maybe, and maybe Jim Carrey
Ninety million for Almighty Bruce? Now that's scary.
SARS! SARS!
It's the night of a thousand stars!
SARS! SARS!
Canada fights back with its guitars!
Sing along and you'll stay strong
We'll do it right, you'll see
SARS and gripes forever
That's not the way we'll be!
Oh...that's...not...the...way.
Big finish!
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