UNDERSTUDIES

The role of the delivery room doctor will be played by Albert Jenkins.

The role of the cabbie who drives the new family home from the hospital will be played by Roland Ferris.

The role of your father will be played by an older, sterner man.

The role of your mother will be played by a younger, more idealistic woman.

The role of your hometown will be played by an adjoining town, wealthier but without the same sense of community.

The role of your first job will be played by a fruitless summer at the swim club.

The role of your wife will be played by your ex-girlfriend.

The role of planned pregnancy will be played by unplanned pregnancy.

The role of your loving son will be played by an ingrate.

The role of your loyal business partner will be played by a deceitful colleague.

The role of your best friend will be played by a neighbor who tends his lawn obsessively and rarely speaks to you.

The role of God will be played by a gnawing sense of despair that cannot be alleviated by alcohol.

The role of the twenty-year anniversary will be played by divorce.

The role of prosperity will be played by bankruptcy.

The role of retirement will be played by a brief period of manic travel that culminates in a weekend spent in a Tallinn hotel with a paid companion who follows your night of debauchery with a long story, told at breakfast, told convincingly, about the difficulties that have dogged her throughout life (cruel father, distant mother, a survivor's instinct that kept her moving forward but did not keep her from wandering into danger), a story that has you feeling protective toward her until the moment when, a week later, you discover that she has charged more than a thousand dollars on your credit card and no longer answers the number she has promised you can call any time "just to talk—because I like you."

The role of flu will be played by diabetes.

The role of old age will be played by single-car accident, ruled suspicious.

©2020 Ben Greenman/Stupid Ideas