HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING THINGS ALL THE TIME

By Ben Greenman

from forthcoming collection, as yet untitled

Those who suffer from sarcasm—a term which covers a multitude of utterances delivered in a similar tone but bound together by a desire to minimize both the joys and the pains of the world—should find comfort, along with practical aid, in a slim new volume puckishly titled “A Clinic For the Cynic,” which is written in straightforward language devoid of jargon. The author is a teenaged girl, Etta Cogan, who is well-known as an authority on the subject. “Those who display a caustic outlook,” Cogan writes, “are frequently more attuned to their surroundings than others, though that does not necessarily extend to an awareness of the self.” This disjunction between perception turned outward and perception turned inward results in a loss of equilibrium. “Those who are sincere, or for that matter jovial,” the writer explained in a recent lecture, “find it difficult to imagine the state of a person who is caught between keenness on one hand and dimness on the other, without any ability to regulate.” This rupture often causes a squinting of the eyes and a parched tone that conveys a kind of desperate superiority, both of which serve as covers for various persistent fears, including fear of unworthiness, fear of illness, and fear of censure by others. “Hundreds of cynics,” Cogan wrote in an article that accompanied the publication of her book, “are saying things all the time that do not contradict views commonly held in society, and yet they are dismissed as members of an afflicted class. This simply makes them—makes us—more cynical, and makes us think that we will never again be seen in a good light.” Among the measures recommended by experts to cure or at least treat the cynic are love, prosperity, travel, and free play—that is, an open and inconsequential exchange of ideas. “All may work or none may work, and it is difficult to determine outcome before the application of any or all of these methods,” Cogan writes. The cover of her book includes an illustration of a young boy laughing and a teenaged girl standing behind him making an exaggerated “thumbs-down” gesture. It was drawn by the author.