CAVEAT LECTURER

By Ben Greenman

from forthcoming collection, as yet untitled

“In ancient cities, towers were a result of the difficulty of expanding within a walled city, where lateral space was at a premium,” said Professor David Robb in his address before the North American Architectural History Symposium. A woman in the crowd stood and left. Robb continued: “It was also a chance to monitor neighboring cities, which were ideally allies but could turn to adversaries over trade, political differences, or even blood feuds.” A second woman stood and left. “Oh!” Robb shouted. “I have made a terrible error. I am reading not from my own paper but from passages I jotted down while reading the papers of others.” A third woman now stood and left. “Have I offended more by my inadvertent plagiarism or by my admission of it?” Robb said, his tone now plaintive. A fourth woman stood. “Please,” he said. “Tell me.” The fourth woman turned toward the stage. “It’s nothing to do with you,” she sad. “There’s a talk next door on Kandinsky’s influence on the color palette in urban architecture.” Robb reddened. “It was the self-absorption,” he said. “I knew it. It was the self-absorption all along.” A banner unscrolled behind him, revealing that the symposium was not devoted to architectural history at all, but to narcissistic personality disorder. The four women, all actresses, returned to the room, walked onstage, and shook Robb’s hand.