WAVING BOTH ARMS WILDLY

By Ben Greenman

from forthcoming collection, as yet untitled

After having been a patient at the Haliburton Memorial Hospital for a week as a result of his injuries, Office Gregory Jacobs, of the Reese Police Department, was able to attend the Murs County Court yesterday and give evidence against Christopher Parker-Howard, a popular singer, who was charged with causing grievous bodily harm to the officer by braining him on the night of April 9. Jacobs stated that just after 10 o’clock on the night in question he was on duty on Kent Street when he saw Parker-Howard standing in the alley adjoining of the Follow Club holding what looked like a cudgel in one hand and a pistol in the other. On spotting the officer, the singer turned and ducked back into the alley, where he stood waving both arms wildly. That, coupled with the fact that the singer was wearing silent shoes, aroused the officer’s suspicions, and he followed. When he tried to question Parker-Howard, the singer struck him repeatedly with the cudgel-like object, which turned out to be a microphone. During the assault, Parker-Howard persisted in singing the chorus of his best-known song, “Whistle Risk,” which peaked at number two on the pop charts, failing to reach the top spot only because it was stuck behind the best-selling song of the decade, Ogilvie’s “Your Star Shines So Brightly (See You Anytime).” In his testimony, Jacobs expressed a preference for “Whistle Risk,” which he described as “not the ordinary kind of thing we heard on the radio back then but a real improvement, a kind of manifesto about the human experience and the way that people’s dreams can drain away if they do not take the time to set their minds toward bravery. I mean, Ogilvie is fine. That song has a nice beat. But CPH was the man.” He blushed and shook his head.  “He hit me, though,” he said. “No doubt about that.”