By Ben Greenman
from forthcoming collection, as yet untitled
The Whiskey King, who was disqualified a year ago after missing her birthday party, was recently spotted in the same bar as Big Dan, the two of them chatting on friendly terms, and very probably both men will be in the pen again before the year is out. Unfortunately, however, Big Dan is likely to be felled once more by his earnestness, a benefit in bed that does not serve him well when helping her to put both victories and disappointments in context. It is difficult to recommend that anyone support him until it is clear how he will prepare for this new round of dating, and precisely the same is true of The Accordion. Grass-Fed Eric, resurfacing after a half-decade, is hardly sharp enough for her company, and as much as The Big Show and Señor Shadowbox impress upon first meeting, the distance required to reach an actual relationship may prove too far for both of them, Señor Shadowbox especially, who often grows tired before the end of a meal. Beppo and G-Dot are unreliable, and while many are not quite convinced that the same charge should not be lodged against Stretch, who has misplaced his car keys nine times this week alone, the majority favor his friend Tux—of average height and reliability, but with deep reserves of moral curiosity that offset and even obscure many of his insufficiencies—as the eventual victor.
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