By Ben Greenman
from forthcoming collection, as yet untitled
“I have been instructed by the radio to stop all pedestrians walking either too fast or too slow,” said a man who came before the court yesterday. He has, for some time now, been a fixture on Asper Boulevard, wearing on his head a cap of many colors and around his waist a silver-foil blanket cinched in by a cloth belt emblazoned with the words “King Me.” It has his custom to step in front of those walking up or down Asper and ask them for the time, after which he notifies them that they are in violation of the foot-speed ordinance that was passed unanimously last year by the legislature. No such law has been passed. “The radio,” he said, “made me a one-man wrecking crew when it comes to those who dash or dally. I speak into it each night and describe the daily perpetrators.” He was very indignant on hearing the decision of the court to recommend him for involuntary commitment. “I am a college graduate,” he said. “I obtained honors. I am three hundred years old and eight feet tall.”
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