BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR STRONG FALL SLATES

By Ben Greenman

from forthcoming collection, as yet untitled

A gathering of clairvoyants, astrologers, fortunetellers, prophesiers, soothsayers, mystics, and seers of all stripes met in the field house at Leggett Park to prepare for the new year, after which they issued a summary of their forthcoming annual report. The language in the summary, which prominently featured words such as “dire,” “woeful,” and “ruinous,” attracted  the attention of the press to such a degree that the group’s spokesperson, who goes by the name Future Jack, convened a press conference at which he cautioned against making too much of the summary. “Every year has its ups and downs,” he said. “We just feel that the downs are coming early. It will be clearer when the annual is released.” While he was reluctant to reveal any specific details, Future Jack made reference to a war, a contested election, a rapidly-spreading fire in at a major population center, a pandemic, and the death of at least two beloved entertainers. “But after that,” he said, “We feel it’ll be a relatively low-key year, boring even.” He encouraged reporters to be on the lookout for strong fall slates from all major networks and not one but two Royal babies. “And Mary Laughlin of Amarillo, Texas,” he added, “play the lottery.” The reporters laughed both knowingly and not, as if unsure if he was joking.