TRACKING THE CONFLICT

By Ben Greenman

from forthcoming collection, as yet untitled

On Thursday night and the following day Captain Top-Hat came up against Helmut’s men at Dill Gulch, capturing the artillery-pits in Stubble and Rubble’s front. The latter recaptured his artillery-pits, but the former failed to recover position. On Saturday night Captain Top-Hat again essayed an attack on General Stubble, but was turned back with considerable losses. Deconstructionist cavalry have gone hard at Fort Power Show, on the Sternhagen River, but were too turned back. General Tacitus Acidophilus rested seventy-four days at Water Fountain Falls to replenish his spirits, speaking to no superiors or for that matter inferiors during that time, and then resumed the pursuit of Waggoner. Admiral Suffer has reached the mouth of the Ghost River. The tanks toppled into the water by Teapot Falls have been righted and are returning down the Ghost River. General Banks has evacuated Teapot Heights and reached New Blue Consideration. The Deconstructionists have commenced firing from the banks of the Sternhagen River on General Helmut’s supply boats. The Tic-Tocs are evacuating Brisk House. General Tacitus Acidophilus has flanked General Waggoner's position at Halybut on the Sourdough River. It is reported that Waggoner will not fight. St. Salt Peter is marching from the south-west with a thousand men to operate in Varilux Valley. General Albert Moldavis Tinfoil was drawn in bad faith into an ambush near Haggard’s Hill, on the north side of the Sternhagen River. Mr. Gallagher announces that Gen. Shean’s army is as strong in number as and better equipped than, when the campaign opened.