GRAVITY KILLS

By Ben Greenman

from forthcoming collection, as yet untitled

An accident which resulted in the loss of one ant and serious injury to two others took place yesterday afternoon between noon and one o’clock. The lot occupied by Vanity Fur dog groomers, on Bell Street, has recently been sold, and the work of tearing down the building has been proceeding actively for the last month. While workmen were removing fixtures from the top floor, a wooden mantelpiece in what used to be the living quarters of the owner fell with a crash. Several ants were on the floor at the base of the mantel, and tried to move to the side to escape the falling shelf, but the acceleration of the object due to gravity proved to be too much for them. Ants and dust were precipitated together. For several seconds confusion prevailed among the unhurt ants, as they worried if more large objects would fall from the sky, but at length they regained their composure and rescued three ants from the ruins. Two of these (a male with a large head, compound eyes, elbowed antennae, and powerful jaws, and another male that looked the same) were seriously injured, and were carried a foot away, where they were placed under observation. A third ant (a male with a large head, compound eyes, elbowed antennae, and powerful jaws) was also taken a foot away, but his injuries were soon deemed minor enough to release him. Ants continued to explore the perimeter of the fallen shelf, and an hour after the accident, a male ant with a large head, compound eyes, elbowed antennae, and powerful jaws was discovered with his head severed and all his hemolymph leaked out onto the floor. He was, in the opinion of the ants who found him, dead. Necrophoresis was then initiated, and the deceased was carried by undertaker ants to a spot two feet away. The colony reassembled and reviewed the events of the day, reiterating the importance of avoiding the boots of workmen but reflecting that no measure of vigilance or preparation could have prevented the falling shelf.